It’s been a frustrating cycle – this writing adventure of mine. I went through a phase where I could write anything. Thoughts would flow from my mind to the pages like a roaring river in the spring. Rarely, would I question myself. I was in a groove.
Then, it happened. I can’t pinpoint a moment, or a sequence. I don’t know where it started. It just … happened.
I couldn’t write. The thoughts I struggled to spew onto the pages in front of me, were “blood and sweat” words; the few that weren’t, came from thoughts written down months before. It went from a river of flowing water to a bogged down swamp.
It wasn’t that the inspiration no longer existed. My mind still swelled with stories. They played out like Broadway musicals on the stage of my mind. No, rather the words found difficulty leaving my mind through text.
Thus, the conundrum I currently reside in.
Horror fills my soul. If I cannot write, how then can I put into order the chaos that now dwells in me?
My demons take over. The demons are represented by past failures, self deprecation and loathing. I reason with myself that perhaps, I’m really just not good. I just can’t do it. These demons have haunted me. These thoughts have engulfed me before. I’ve given up on past dreams and pursuits, because of them.
Could I possibly give in again?
Many of my close friends and family have suggested I simplify myself. The answer: just write. No order. No story. Simply write. Is it truly that simple? I rationalize to myself all the reasons for an unstructured approach.
So, I am brought to this day, this post.
“If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There’s no way around these two things that I’m aware of, no shortcut.”
― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Well, I have part of that behind me. I read – a lot. And yet I still don’t read enough. Do I write a lot? Simple truths that still lead back to this: just write.
And so, I write this, completely unstructured. Why? To simply write. I want to break the madness within. I must start at the beginning. WRITE.
This could be my way of talking to myself. However, I have an audience to this madness … you, my friends – the readers. You get to watch as I talk myself out of this corner, through this murky swamp and out into the open waters again. What does this profit you? Perhaps … nothing. But, maybe, it WILL help you. Maybe you struggle with similar demons. If you do, know this, I support you. You are not alone. I will walk this path with you, to victory.
Even now, as I write this, doubts creep into my thoughts. However, I will not cave. This is my declaration. I’ll be damned if I cave to another self inflicted failure.
I must forge my path. I must conquer my demons. My life depends on it.
Absurd? No, it’s not. It is my life. It DOES depend on me and my decisions.
Here goes nothing …