These Voices in My Head (Reprise)

There’s voices in my head
So many I lost track
Screaming, rambling, mocking me
I want my own mind back

Stealing all my focus
They leave me lost in doubt
If only I could shut them up
Or somehow drown them out

The turmoil overwhelms
Like storms that thrash about
Crashing, tossing ships aground
They leave me full of doubt

Through silent thoughts they roar
Of deep and dark despair
Longing to silence them grows
I need some peace in there

Please let me hear His voice
Through heart, THEN mind, he speaks
Yet hard to feel above the noise
Unheard mid endless shrieks

Oh thoughts Just let me be!
I cannot bear it long
Please shut up I beg of thee!
And pester me no more

Grant me strength, pray for me
Stop the pain, set me free
Before I walk forbidden paths
Of deeds dark and dreary

© Alan Zaugg 2020

 

In January, I wrote the first iteration – These Voices in My Head. I hadn’t realized or remembered it until today. Rather than replace, I prefer to name this a “reprisal.” Reading the first, reminded me of my state of mind. I’m fragile. I’m constantly a prisoner of my own mind. That’s what this is. What depression is. A cycle. It isn’t circumstance. It isn’t situational. It’s a state of mind, no, a disease. An illness. Am I okay? No. Yes. What is okay?

Many people ask me how they can help. What can they do? Love me. Shine a light in the darkness. Reach out. Don’t ask me to reach out. Don’t ask anyone with depression to reach out. It won’t happen, and not because we don’t want to. Because we can’t. We are not able. We tell ourselves not to burden others, not to whine or complain, while at the same time wanting someone to save us. 

Reach out. Hug someone. Love them. Hold them. Tell them it’s okay to be vulnerable and to trust that others truly care, that everything will be okay.

Writing these thoughts, poems, or stories of darkness are sometimes cathartic, a form of personal therapy. I forgot January, because I wrote it out and moved on. It isn’t always that simple, but it can and does help.

I’ll be okay. Today isn’t tomorrow or yesterday. It IS right now. A moment to live and survive. To abide the storm and rise again tomorrow.

Thank you all for reading and supporting me!

 

You can find special short stories I write for patrons only over on my Patreon: https://patreon.com/AlanZaugg

I also write some prose and poetry on Medium: https://medium.com/@jedizaugg

Additional stories and poetry can be found on Salt City Genre Writers Medium page: https://medium.com/salt-city-genre-writers

Robin Williams

A friend shared the below quote with me, this evening. We spent a good hour taking about depression. He shared some insight into his past and details of his present state of mind. I did the same. I found that we shared much in common. Years of living behind a stigma (we both grew up in the 80s) and facing the demons now.

I’ve been in a bad place, especially recent. I’ve spent the greater part of my life, since my teenage years, believing the stigma behind depression – “just get over it,” “pray and you’ll feel better,” “suck it up,” “men shouldn’t be sensitive,” “why are you crying?” *Insert appropriate comment here*

I fought back, believing I didn’t need help or it wasn’t a part of me. I believed the stigma. I still fought it as an adult. I couldn’t accept I was depressed or needed help.

We are not the product of our situation or environment. We are not defined by what is in our minds. In the same way, depression is there no matter your situation or environment. It is not dictated by either of those. It is a part of the individual. It also doesn’t make You or I bad or awful people.

I love Robin Williams. I’ve always looked up to him. He’s been a source of happy laughs for me since I was a kid. I could say more, but this quote says a lot.

It speaks to me.

…it is me.

Soundgarden – Fell On Black Days (Official Music Video)