What do I want and need?
A relationship with a partner that lasts for life and eternity.
A best friend.
Someone to share my happiest times with as well as the pain and sorrow.
Someone I can be completely open with.
Communication is important.
Never say divorce, never say quit.
I’m healing. I’m growing.
The last two sessions of therapy, I’ve revisited my progress. I’m doing incredible things.
First, I love me. I say this a lot, because I do and because it reinforces it to me.
Second, I’m becoming more secure in being alone. I’m not scared anymore. I’m comfortable in my own skin.
Third, codependency be damned. I can do this. I know who the fuck I am. I know where I come from. I don’t need validation. I don’t need someone to lift me up or make me happy. I’m happy. Very very happy.
I’m anxious attachment style (look it up). It’s a product of my childhood. I’ve dealt with some demons over my life, including childhood trauma. Lots of it.
I’m managing this attachment style, and codependency, better.
Manage.
What does that look like?
I talk myself through my day and other’s responses or lack of responses to me. I talk myself through the anxiety brought on by relationships or lack thereof.
I’m fighting the boredom and anxiety with healthy distractions and productivity. My self worth is not a derivative of accomplishment, productivity, or achievement
The long of it?
I’m. Doing. The. Work. By damn it feels good.
In the meantime, I am building meaningful, healthy relationships.
Why am I writing all of this? Why do I post these posts on my site? Not for anyone else’s benefit but for my own. I post this for me. Personal validation. Nothing more.
Thank you for listening and reading.
I have hurt people. They may or may not read this. It’s no longer my concern. That said, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry for how things went. It’s not how I saw it play out on my mind.
I love you. Thank you.