I’m stuck. I’m struggling. The anxiety is at a deeply painful level. Depression clamps her heavy chains around me.
I have a wonderful woman by my side who loves me eternally and unconditionally. She knows of my struggles. She knows everything. I tell her everything. She loves my kids. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She, like me, just wants everyone to be happy.
I feel trapped in my own head, trapped in circumstances beyond my control. I feel like I’m drowning and dying slowly.
My ex has taken advantage of me, and continues to do so. She mentally and emotionally abuses me and uses my good heart against me. Her lot in life is not good for her. Instead of doing what she can for herself, it’s easier to take things from me. It’s easier for her to blame me for her circumstance.
What happened years ago, was years ago. It’s over and done. It’s the past for a reason. I just wanna move forward with my life.
The anxiety builds with every thought and conversation with her. I just want peace. I care about her, but I can’t let her drag me down anymore. Yet, it all hangs like an anvil around my neck.
I have come to love me. So much. Yet here I am…
Here I am, my heart aches, my mind is dark, and I’m surrounded by water that I can’t swim through. I only drown.
I know God loves me and is aware of me. I just wish he’d take it all away. I need relief. From the pain, from the anxiety, from the hate and the anger. I need a moment of peace.
I find my words in those of a man from long ago:
“O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities [and my afflictions].”
…nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.”
Then I read this:
“O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow…” (Excerpts from the Book of Mormon)
So why should I struggle like this when I’ve been shown so much mercy, compassion and love?
Such is my dilemma. The unhealthy mind in me would just as soon end it all. Everything. A quick death and I’d be free of it all. It’s what I want.
To be honest, it’s exactly what I want.
Yet the healthy mind says it will be “but for a small moment and “if [I] endure it well, God shall exalt [me] on high; I shall triumph over my [afflications].” (Doctrine & Covenants)
I continue to seek help in all the right ways and places. Therapy, prayer, meditation, good health, friends and family.
How much longer can I handle this? How much longer will I be required to live this way?
My guilty conscience also wants it to be known that none of this should minimize anyone else’s struggles. We all struggle. We all bear weights of affliction. We all cope differently.
Please know, if you struggle, I see you. You are valid. It’s ok to not be ok.
I continuously pray for peace.
Where is my solace?