I hate my own mind and the demons that haunt it.
They swirl within me like a dark pool of murky water
Screaming, moaning, wailing, singing
Their mesmerizing call lures me
They appeal to me with a disparaging, yet beautiful voice
They trap me within myself like a pit of thick tar
The more I struggle, the more I sink
I can’t get out of my own damn head!
Unable to escape I succumb to the sludge
All the while they taunt my reason and truth
They hold clarity hostage while dragging me through self loathing, anger and irritation
In celebratory moments, when I should welcome the sun, they point to the ominous storm cloud on the horizon
They mock my hopelessness and sing enchanting lyrics
How can I break the spell?
Where is my solace? Where is my relief?
Oh my wretched soul! Free me from these contemptuous demons! Release me from my melancholy!
The sounds of unheard words…
They fall like raindrops on stones of deafness. Death comes, as they splat against hard surfaces and trickle, unnoticed and listlessly into dark crevices, lost forever in empty hollows. Others splash into depths of murky puddles of indifference and irrelevance. The droplets, crystal clear before impact, taint with filth and wash away into dire straits.
These are words and cries of the frustrated and distraught; drops of anguish and sadness. They fall like broken thoughts, wounded and faithless. They long for ears of endearment and reach for the rich soil of understanding and acceptance.
When was the last time you listened? Not like the stony paths and concrete edifices.
Listen and absorb like the cultivated soil. Soak up the raindrops and receive them into the depths of your fertile soul. Allow them passage into the well of clarity and the fountain of understanding. Join them with the waters of knowledge and forgiveness. See the clarity and brilliance of the raindrops. Accept their uniqueness and adhere to their lamenting.
Believe in their purity. Believe IN them. BELIEVE them.
Don’t let words fall carelessly by the wayside, to be forgotten. Please.
A jaded mind
Lack of focus
A blurred existence
A dazed expression
A blank stare
A fast track
A frantic pace
A dizzying dream
Where to begin
When to quit
Raucous and Rapid Thoughts
Accelerated and Cluttered
High speed and speaking with the CAPS-LOCK on.
Head set to explode
Unable to slow thoughts down
It’s like giving a chipmunk a double shot of espresso and handing it a megaphone
Make the yelling stop!
Wishing to find peace
Must… need… focus
The highways of words, thoughts and emotions speed faster
In their wake, ghostly trails of what could be
Images and illusions burned into the surface
A reminder of unfinished business
The burn intensifies with every new thought
The cluster gathers momentum
Like an intense ball of fire ready to explode
Like a sun spot creating a black hole of thought
Imploding from within
Sucking the creative life into nothingness
A stupor of thought
Drugs – they leave numbness
Hiding the vacuum of expanding emptiness
Worthless thoughts and lost stories
Grasping at empty space cluttered with illusions of grandeur
Letters on the page fail to fall in place
Words trail into a blank wash
Pleadings fall into a dark abyss
Nothing makes sense
No rhyme or reason
A disorder of chaos
A mind lost in disarray
Sunlight shines, behind drab clouds
No peaks above, nor valleys below
Excitement, passion, and joy but for a moment
In their wake, a drab, colorless world
Sadness and sorrow slip away in silence
Distance, irritation and frustration remain
Dreary doldrums, monotonous days
Lifeless mornings, colorless grays
Draped in numbness
It’s hard to reign in uncontrollable emotions. Difficult to capture what cannot be explained. I know. I fight it. Monsters. Demons. Shadows that drape themselves over my mind. The desire for relief takes me down troublesome paths. My mind is a causeway of ridiculous traffic. My soul is a murky, black puddle, a dark abyss. There is light. Trust me. It’s there. It has shined through at times. I have felt it. Him. I have seen Him. I know He is there. And then, the shadow comes again, hides His face from me. I can still feel His love, but it begins to be drowned out. It weakens, or my ability to feel it, weakens. What comes so easily for some, not so much for me. The battle is oft times a stalemate. I oft find myself face to face with my demon. He scoffs at me. Offers me a mask. Tells me he will go easy on me. And then rips my heart out and drapes my soul in madness.
Yet, what gives me strength through all of this? Knowing that no matter how much energy he puts into the disparaging of my soul, he can’t take away the one thing I hold dear… My undying, unconditional love for mankind and my unwavering love for Him. I stumble. I travel down the demon’s dark paths. I feel his lashings. Yet my joy and my spirit lives because I see other’s lives touched. Because I see other’s unmatched joy. I celebrate the success of other’s while he continues to rip at my insides. He may drag me to hell… but he can’t have anyone else. I’ll make sure of that. My demons. My battle.
The frailty of life
Death taketh away
I watch the decay
Your amazing beauty
Your beautiful mind
Now confused and lost
You once held me
Told me all is well
Your breath warmed my soul
I felt it against my cheeks
You were my comfort
You held my hand
You kissed my wounds
You loved me …
You need me
I watch helplessly
What can I do?
Why are we here?
Where is my comfort now?
You were always the one to tell me it’s ok
Now … It’s my turn
What do I say?
How can I help?
You were there
You welcomed me home
You kissed me goodbye
You worried over me
You bestowed my wings on me
You taught me to love …
I … I don’t know what to do
Except to love you …