Validation

It really is sad that you have to look to other sources for validation and for healing. You are so much better than that.

Alas, it isn’t my business anymore. It does hurt though. Hurts that you value yourself so low and more importantly it hurts that you valued our relationship and marriage so badly.

I feel sorry for you. I pity you. You need help and you’re not getting the best and proper help. You see a therapist, but obviously that isn’t doing any good for you.

You don’t need someone else to help you feel good about yourself. You need you and only you. You need to dig deep inside to find you not outside for someone to find you. I feel so sorry for you.

Part of me hopes you deal with rejection so you can learn that it will get you nowhere. I just don’t want to wish hurt on you.

I wish you happiness. But no one else will make you happy. That’s a fact. You’re not happy. You don’t love yourself. I see it. Until you do, you’ll be in this sad pitiful cycle.

I love you. I’ll be here for you when it all comes crashing down, and it will. I’ll always be here for you.

Always.

Until we meet again

It’s been a couple days. I’m better now, no thanks to you. You blamed me again, telling me it was my fault you did this or did that. You told me we couldn’t talk anymore because it wasn’t good for your mental health.

You’ve been so selfishly caught up in your own shit that you would rather see me fall than anything happen to you. The blame game. It’s my fault we’re here. It’s my fault things fell apart. It’s my fault that you did anything wrong. Nothing was ever your fault.

I verbally and emotionally abused you. That’s what you continue to tell me, while you continue pile it all on me. I know I did. I own it. I messed up. I cheated. I am not afraid to admit any of this. I am not that guy anymore though. I’m not who I used to be.

Wish you would see me for who I am now, not that guy who fucked up. I’m a better man. But you still see me as this monster. I know I don’t help my case much at times. Again, I’m the first to admit who I’ve become. I’m not happy with me and I’m working on that.

You don’t want me to think of you badly. You’re not an awful person and you don’t like me telling you that you are. Guess what, I’m not telling you. That’s your conscience letting you know you haven’t been treating me all that well either.

You see, we’re both at fault here. Equally. You did things, I did things. It’s the reality of it. I know I wronged you. In so many ways. That doesn’t absolve you of any fault. You didn’t do things as a reaction to me. You did things because you did things.

Don’t put that back on me.

Regardless, I told you I’ll stop. That your mental health and wellbeing are way more important. You’re needed more than I am. So I’ll carry the burden. You’ll be sorry for putting it all on me one day. You will. I just won’t be around to see it, but you will.

In the meantime, go live your peaceful existence knowing as a victim you are now healing.

Just know that while that happens, another person dies one little act at a time trying to help build that bed of peace for you.

While you’re living happy, I’ll be over here carrying your burden for you because you refuse to. Just remember me when I’m gone. Remember the blood you left me in. Remember the pain you inflicted as you put that cross squarely on my shoulders and then hung your crutches on it, weighing me down.

I’m not going to hell though. I’m going to a better place reserved for the people who bear other’s burdens and love them unconditionally.

Did I mention I love you? I do. That’s why I’m taking this cross, yours and mine, and carrying them to my grave. Because I love you and want to make sure you’re going to be ok and that you’ll be around for our kids.

Remember my sacrifice when I’m gone. Remember. Know that I did it for you.

I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m not sorry for what you did to me though. I’m just going to carry it for you so you don’t have to.

I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, sweet dreams.

.

Too far

I’ve pushed things too far now. I’m sorry. I wish you cared for me. I really do. I didn’t do anything to deserve all this pain. You know this and yet you did it. You walked away.

I don’t know how much more of this pain I can handle. I’m at a breaking point more than I imagined I could get to. I won’t survive this. I already know I won’t. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.

I am so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. This is goodbye to you. Goodbye forever.

You’ll never see this and I guess that’s ok. I love you. I always have. I always will. You don’t believe and I understand, but I do.

I promise you, I will fix this. I will fix all of it. I swear to you it will be done. You and the kids will be ok. I’ll make sure of that.