A Simple Thank You

I’ve contemplated this for some time now. Each time I’ve started, re-written or deleted and shelved it with second thoughts. Not this time.

This is not a self-promotion or a form of self-indulgence. Instead this is a simple, humble offering of gratitude.

First and foremost, I thank God. I know many of you who read this may or may not believe in a deity or greater power. That’s quite alright with me. I respect your beliefs. However, I do believe in Him. I am successful, in large part, thanks to His influence. I feel His companionship and love each day of my life.

Thank you, to my wife and children, for loving, supporting and encouraging me in the things I love to do. Thank you for letting me nerd-out and disappear on some evenings to engage in simple, yet fulfilling hobbies that give me temporary fulfillment. Thank you for letting me bury myself in a book or writing to take a load off my mind. Thank you for giving me purpose. Thank you for teaching me and making me a better man. I love you.

Thank you to TornBySports.com, particularly my friend Grant for believing in me. I am glad I have a platform to unload some thoughts regarding a long-time passion of mine – sports. Thank you for your friendship and trust. I appreciate you allowing me to be so involved in the process. I’ve grown immensely as a result.

Thank you to my friends John and Devin, for taking me on a fascinating podcast journey. I really love co-hosting and assisting in the production of a wonderful podcast – Jedi & Jerms. I never knew that podcasting would become such a fun pastime for me. I love our comradery and chemistry. I hope we can keep it going for the long-haul.

Thank you, Mike, Joao, and Becca at the Cantina Cast. It was a little over a year ago that I joined the Cast and it’s been fulfilling. I’ll steal Becca’s line – it’s been “funtastic”. Thank you for believing in me and giving me an opportunity to express myself and my love of Star Wars on a public platform. Thank you, Mike and Joao for choosing me to be a part of another wonderful podcast – Idiot’s Array.

Idiot’s Array – Thank you Mark and Ryder, my partners in podcasting and my friends. Thank you for teaching and joining me on a podcast journey that has been beyond amazing. You two have shown me new avenues and opened channels of creativity that I didn’t even know existed. We have a lot of “ah-ha” moments that make the journey enjoyable. It has been a lot of fun!

Thank you, Rob and Jon, for being a part of this fun journey. Although we don’t podcast with the Who Wars Network or Cloud City Council anymore, you both were there when a lot of this started, and you’re still there with me now. I’m glad we’re friends-for-life.

Thank you, WatchPlayRead.com, for guiding me onto a new platform of writing – movie and media reviews. Kyle, Chris, Ryan and Jasen, you’ve all taught me how to become a better writer and expand my horizons. I’ve forged new friendships and networks because of you. I appreciate your friendships.

Thank you and you, and yes YOU. Thank you all who are reading this and those who don’t see this, who have been with me on my journey of life. I’ve stumbled, made a public fool of myself, picked up the pieces and forged onward. You’re continued love, support, and friendship buoy me when times are tough. I am deeply grateful that you give of your time to me. You read what I have to say on here or any of the platforms where I share. You read, not because you have to. The fact that you do, motivates me to continue. Thank you for reading, downloading, sharing and engaging in conversations with me. Thank you for sharing your lives and experiences with me. Thank you for not giving up on me. I am often overwhelmed by the very thought that you each care for me. Each of you is a part of my journey.

I love each of you for accepting me for who I am, with all my flaws – I have many. I do love each of you, there’s always enough love to go around. Thank you, for loving me.

Thank you to my haters, detractors and those who throw shade my way. You know who you are, and I know who you are. And I know what you say and think of me. I’m sure some of you may read this, while many of you may not. What you think and speak of me, is often what I think of myself. True story. The difference – knowing you say it ignites me and drives me. It pushes me to strive for achievement. In the end, I’ll be the one standing on my mountain of personal achievement and success. Thank you for giving me the strength to accept defeat, stand in the face of rejection, and understand how to be better. Opposition is there to strengthen us. Yes, you have a place in my life. And yes, I do love you as well.

I’m learning and growing. I’m a better man today than I was yesterday. I have all of you, friend or foe, to thank for it.

Here’s to a challenging, rewarding journey ahead.

Unheard words…

The sounds of unheard words…

They fall like raindrops on stones of deafness. Death comes, as they splat against hard surfaces and trickle, unnoticed and listlessly into dark crevices, lost forever in empty hollows. Others splash into depths of murky puddles of indifference and irrelevance. The droplets, crystal clear before impact, taint with filth and wash away into dire straits.

These are words and cries of the frustrated and distraught; drops of anguish and sadness. They fall like broken thoughts, wounded and faithless. They long for ears of endearment and reach for the rich soil of understanding and acceptance.

When was the last time you listened? Not like the stony paths and concrete edifices.

Listen and absorb like the cultivated soil. Soak up the raindrops and receive them into the depths of your fertile soul. Allow them passage into the well of clarity and the fountain of understanding. Join them with the waters of knowledge and forgiveness. See the clarity and brilliance of the raindrops. Accept their uniqueness and adhere to their lamenting.

Believe in their purity. Believe IN them. BELIEVE them.

Don’t let words fall carelessly by the wayside, to be forgotten. Please.

 

Chaos, Insanity and the Demon

She looked into his eyes. A blackened abyss bled from them like a fresh inkblot on a blank page. They sank deep into sockets, smudged like a dark charcoal shadow. A black spell hung over them like a menacing cloud.

A dull shadow emanated from his countenance. Anger, bitterness, and uneasiness flushed from his eyes. Yet his face shown only numbness. He held back the demon, gnashing and clawing to be released. A beast of darkness, pain, confusion, and neglect. His lack of focus, a trait he could not control. He seemed to careen like a car, out of control, over the edge of a cliff. And yet he still held back his demon, knowing if he unleashed it, the result would be catastrophic.

His mesmerizing gaze drew her closer until she found herself plummeting into a black hole. The air grew hot all around then fell cold and clammy. As her vision adjusted to the darkness, flashes of electrifying light raced all around her. Graphic, multi-dimensional images blurred the canvas before her eyes. Each image was random in likeness or purpose. They moved so fast, she barely had time to decipher their meaning, much less the content.

The images intensified, accompanied by an low monotonous buzz. The sound, soft at first, grew with magnitude. With each decibel, the sound reached a more annoying level. She ignored it at first, as she watched the display of stories dance before her. However, she soon found it more difficult to ignore. The annoyance shifted to pain, an ever increasing pain.

Beads of cold sweat gathered on her skin. The sound became unbearable. Her head pounded with immense pain. The images and sounds intensified and sped up, gathering momentum with each successive story.

Make it stop!

Behind the stage of his mind, she could see his tears and sorrow. He couldn’t control it, any of it. But he dared not move, the demon still buried deep, growing in strength. His mind draped in complete chaos. He couldn’t grasp it, or organize it. He would grasp into the superhighway of realities, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. But his grasp came back empty, blurring through the race, while leaving behind trails of light and smoke that would warp back into the highways and byways as if untouched.

Each time he’d focus on the tasks at hand, the demon would again challenge his strength. Vapors of darkness bled out of the corners of his mind like ghost-like claws ripping the fabric of his unconscious. He would then turn back to keep the beast at bay, while more of his life swarmed about him. The circle was endless and frustrating.

She felt him. And yet, could do nothing. Tears streamed down her face. She withdrew from his mind and again looked at his blank expression. He smiled and assured her all is well, turned, and put on his mask of strength and laughter, to face his next task unfazed.

He never reveals to anyone in the world, the emotionally draining contest that takes place behind the scenes. He’d rather boost his peers, share in their happiness and laugh with them, than bring them down. Sure, he has his moments of relapse, his moments of solitude and breakdown. But they are rare. He grasps his happy place in reality and rides the wave of his passions.

It is said, the eyes are the gateway to the soul; Yet his eyes, shared nothing but chaos. Unorganized, untamed, and unstoppable chaos. You wouldn’t know it. His mask and heart hide it well.

Chaos rules his internal world while the demon remains imprisoned. For how long? Perhaps until insanity envelopes him, perhaps forever. No one knows.

Blurred Existence and Disillusioned Mind

Numbed senses
A jaded mind

Lack of focus
A blurred existence

A dazed expression
A blank stare

A fast track
One speed

A frantic pace
A dizzying dream

Where to begin
When to quit

Disenchanted
Disillusioned

– Jedizaugg

Raucous, Cluttered and Accelerated

Raucous and Rapid Thoughts
Accelerated and Cluttered
High speed and speaking with the CAPS-LOCK on.
Head set to explode
Unable to slow thoughts down

It’s like giving a chipmunk a double shot of espresso and handing it a megaphone

Make the yelling stop!
Wishing to find peace
Must… need… focus

The highways of words, thoughts and emotions speed faster
In their wake, ghostly trails of what could be
Images and illusions burned into the surface
A reminder of unfinished business
The burn intensifies with every new thought
The cluster gathers momentum

Like an intense ball of fire ready to explode
Like a sun spot creating a black hole of thought
Imploding from within
Sucking the creative life into nothingness

A stupor of thought

Drugs – they leave numbness
Temporary relief
Hiding the vacuum of expanding emptiness
Worthless thoughts and lost stories

Grasping at empty space cluttered with illusions of grandeur

Letters on the page fail to fall in place
Words trail into a blank wash
Pleadings fall into a dark abyss
Nothing makes sense
No rhyme or reason

A disorder of chaos

A mind lost in disarray

 

 

The Numbness

The numbness

Sunlight shines, behind drab clouds
No peaks above, nor valleys below

Excitement, passion, and joy but for a moment
In their wake, a drab, colorless world

Sadness and sorrow slip away in silence
Distance, irritation and frustration remain

Dreary doldrums, monotonous days
Lifeless mornings, colorless grays

Draped in numbness

 

Demons and Gods

It’s hard to reign in uncontrollable emotions. Difficult to capture what cannot be explained. I know. I fight it. Monsters. Demons. Shadows that drape themselves over my mind. The desire for relief takes me down troublesome paths. My mind is a causeway of ridiculous traffic. My soul is a murky, black puddle, a dark abyss. There is light. Trust me. It’s there. It has shined through at times. I have felt it. Him. I have seen Him. I know He is there. And then, the shadow comes again, hides His face from me. I can still feel His love, but it begins to be drowned out. It weakens, or my ability to feel it, weakens. What comes so easily for some, not so much for me. The battle is oft times a stalemate. I oft find myself face to face with my demon. He scoffs at me. Offers me a mask. Tells me he will go easy on me. And then rips my heart out and drapes my soul in madness.

Yet, what gives me strength through all of this? Knowing that no matter how much energy he puts into the disparaging of my soul, he can’t take away the one thing I hold dear… My undying, unconditional love for mankind and my unwavering love for Him. I stumble. I travel down the demon’s dark paths. I feel his lashings. Yet my joy and my spirit lives because I see other’s lives touched. Because I see other’s unmatched joy. I celebrate the success of other’s while he continues to rip at my insides. He may drag me to hell… but he can’t have anyone else. I’ll make sure of that. My demons. My battle.