A jaded mind
Lack of focus
A blurred existence
A dazed expression
A blank stare
A fast track
A frantic pace
A dizzying dream
Where to begin
When to quit
Raucous and Rapid Thoughts
Accelerated and Cluttered
High speed and speaking with the CAPS-LOCK on.
Head set to explode
Unable to slow thoughts down
It’s like giving a chipmunk a double shot of espresso and handing it a megaphone
Make the yelling stop!
Wishing to find peace
Must… need… focus
The highways of words, thoughts and emotions speed faster
In their wake, ghostly trails of what could be
Images and illusions burned into the surface
A reminder of unfinished business
The burn intensifies with every new thought
The cluster gathers momentum
Like an intense ball of fire ready to explode
Like a sun spot creating a black hole of thought
Imploding from within
Sucking the creative life into nothingness
A stupor of thought
Drugs – they leave numbness
Hiding the vacuum of expanding emptiness
Worthless thoughts and lost stories
Grasping at empty space cluttered with illusions of grandeur
Letters on the page fail to fall in place
Words trail into a blank wash
Pleadings fall into a dark abyss
Nothing makes sense
No rhyme or reason
A disorder of chaos
A mind lost in disarray
Sunlight shines, behind drab clouds
No peaks above, nor valleys below
Excitement, passion, and joy but for a moment
In their wake, a drab, colorless world
Sadness and sorrow slip away in silence
Distance, irritation and frustration remain
Dreary doldrums, monotonous days
Lifeless mornings, colorless grays
Draped in numbness
It’s hard to reign in uncontrollable emotions. Difficult to capture what cannot be explained. I know. I fight it. Monsters. Demons. Shadows that drape themselves over my mind. The desire for relief takes me down troublesome paths. My mind is a causeway of ridiculous traffic. My soul is a murky, black puddle, a dark abyss. There is light. Trust me. It’s there. It has shined through at times. I have felt it. Him. I have seen Him. I know He is there. And then, the shadow comes again, hides His face from me. I can still feel His love, but it begins to be drowned out. It weakens, or my ability to feel it, weakens. What comes so easily for some, not so much for me. The battle is oft times a stalemate. I oft find myself face to face with my demon. He scoffs at me. Offers me a mask. Tells me he will go easy on me. And then rips my heart out and drapes my soul in madness.
Yet, what gives me strength through all of this? Knowing that no matter how much energy he puts into the disparaging of my soul, he can’t take away the one thing I hold dear… My undying, unconditional love for mankind and my unwavering love for Him. I stumble. I travel down the demon’s dark paths. I feel his lashings. Yet my joy and my spirit lives because I see other’s lives touched. Because I see other’s unmatched joy. I celebrate the success of other’s while he continues to rip at my insides. He may drag me to hell… but he can’t have anyone else. I’ll make sure of that. My demons. My battle.
It’s January, a new year. I’ve spent the last couple weeks in reflection of the last year. I’ve also spent a great deal of time looking ahead to this year.
Life is more than just an adventure. It is more than finding the next path or closing a chapter and opening a new one. It is a path of discovery. And I don’t speak of outside discovery alone, rather something inward. The discovery, it’s on-going. It doesn’t end when adulthood is reached. There isn’t a finish line of discovery or an ending point of complete realization.
This last year re-enforced that axiom. 2014 was a year of … self discovery. I learned more about my inner soul than perhaps I have at anytime. I discovered the very core of some of my emotions and passions. I delved into the abyss of my mind and faced myself. It wasn’t pretty. But facing myself, and my emotions provided me a sense of peace.
Am I there yet – to the end of self-discovery? Not even close. I’ve barely skimmed the surface. Am I a better man? Yes, yes I am.
The year 2014 also saw death drape its dim cloak over my surroundings. From a co-worker, here one day, gone the next; To my grandmother. I watched the veil thin and remove itself from her as she embraced passing. I humbly and with great emotion shared in memories that flooded my mind of my youth, and the wisdom that she passed on to me at early stages of my life. I stood with love and reverence in her legacy, my father.
I’ve declared 2014 as the Year of Morality, for me. I learned more about my physical thresholds than ever before. Yes, mortality has taught me a humble lesson.
And finally, the year taught me about myself as a creator and a writer. I met with challenges, failed the majority of them. But I learned the power of endurance and steadfastness.
A NEW year. NEW possibilities. New opportunities. The future is rich with treasures untold. I’ve begun this year with a new-found energy to press forward. I’ve discovered new avenues to channel my creative soul and even found ways to challenge myself to new heights of consistency. I started a new weekly column for a sports blog I write and edit for. The column pushes my limits and requires me to tap into my mind more frequently and with more precision. It pushes me to be more consistent as a writer. I was challenged in 2014 by the owner of the site to drive myself to new levels. And, I can say I’ve done so and continue to do so. It’s invigorating.
My mind flows with endless stories, and immense potential. I realize this now more than ever.
I joined a friend in beginning a new podcast, allowing me to discuss things that are a passion to me, sports and pop culture. In the process it allows me to be me at a new level. It too, pushes my limits of thinking.
And most importantly, this year gives me a new opportunity to be a better father and husband. I can write a new chapter. I get to be the best me yet. And why not? What do I have to lose? Nothing. But I have a new world to gain.
So, here’s to a new year. Here’s to new challenges. Here’s to all of you, joining me in making 2015 the best year ever.
Become the best you! Write a new brilliant chapter in your book of life! I can’t wait to live it, along with you.
May the Force be with you all …
The following is an excerpt from The Chronicles of Johnny Pheryl. The road ahead is still unknown, but I continue to write what comes to the stages of my mind. So follows:
A brilliant flash of lightening and clash of thunder rocked the port. Startled, Johnny sat up in a cold sweat. A keen sense of awareness rose within him. Raindrops began to fall on the roof, and soon the heavens opened into a torrential downpour. The room filled with light, as another bolt shot across the sky, and then faded to a dull gray again. He scanned the cold, dark room, his vision lucid and sharp. Each movement with his eyes came with precision and purpose. His senses flooded with brilliancy.
He heard padded footsteps. His vision scanned to the right where he saw a rat scurry across the floor. The rodent stopped, sensing he was being watched. He looked at Johnny’s eyes. They stared at each other for a moment before the rat continued, with even more urgency, across the room.
In nearly a millisecond of time, Johnny hoisted his utility knife into his hand, blade first, and hurled it at the rat. Blood spattered on the wall as the knife made contact with the rat’s head, crushing its skull and pinning it against the wall.
Satisfied by his first kill, he arose. His hunting instincts swelled within him and ice cold blood raced through his veins. He felt invigorated. He put his clothes on – black canvas pants and a black crew tee followed by his utility belt and shoes – walked over and removed the knife from the wall. He wiped the blood from its tip and returned it to the sheath on his belt.
He exited the quarters into the hallway. Her breath, deep and swelling, filled the silence. She slept in the next room.
With cat like reflexes, he slipped through the door and into the center corridor. Darkness blanketed the halls and quarters, but he could see everything as clear as day. He shifted without sound from room to room searching, seeking. His hunger for blood guided him. He hunted for hours, yet found nothing. Each room held captive only empty space and lonely walls. He desired to feel the bones of an unsuspecting prey, crack and shatter in his grip.
Having searched the entire port, finding nothing but emptiness, he returned to his quarters unfulfilled. He glanced at the rat that still lay, crumpled in the corner. His first kill of the night did not provide enough to quench his thirst. The desire for blood continued to rage within him without reprieve. He opened the window and let the rain enter. It splashed on his head and dripped off his brow, cooling the heat within. Steam rose with a playful wisp off his head. He gripped the windowpane with a tight clench. He clutched it with a fierce hatred, like a hellish demon waiting to shred the gates of heaven. The metal whined as it bent under the pressure of his grip.
“Johnny?” He startled but did not move.
“Are you alright?” The voice whispered with concern.
He lunged at her like a howling wolf, and pinned her against the wall in the outer corridor. She screeched and looked on him in terror. He clutched her throat with his right hand, lifting her up off the floor, and steadied himself with his left hand firmly planted on the cold steel wall. He pressed along the lining of her delicate jaw with his fingertips, the palm of his hand lodged against the soft cartilage and muscles of her throat. He applied pressure, slow and firm. He felt the bones and cartilage bend and give under pressure. His loan desire – to feel them crunch and see the eyes of his prey flush with blood as he squeezed the life out of her.
“Jo-hnn-y …” She gasped for air, pleading for release. “Plll … eeeas …se.”
Her eyes filled with horror and her pupils dilated. He beheld the darkness of her soul in the depths of her eyes. He saw the pure hell she currently experienced. Her pain rushed through is veins like the roaring of a river. He raised his head and inhaled with a deep drawn out breath and then released it with a demonic groan in affirmation of his triumphant kill.
He looked on her again; however this time, he did not see fear, rather he saw a woman in need of his mercy.
She whispered something inaudible and then proceeded to nod off into unconsciousness. He looked down at his grip around her throat and eased it off. She slid between his fingers to the floor in a crumpled, lifeless form.
Tears streamed down his cheeks as he lifted and carried her into her quarters. He laid her in the bed, drew a blanket over her, kissed her forehead and lighted away into the night.
The rain continued its torrential pace as Johnny ran out onto the landing platform. His body, drained of the adrenaline that rushed through him, slumped to the ground in a puddle. He drifted away into a coma, while the rain soothed his savage beast.
The frailty of life
Death taketh away
I watch the decay
Your amazing beauty
Your beautiful mind
Now confused and lost
You once held me
Told me all is well
Your breath warmed my soul
I felt it against my cheeks
You were my comfort
You held my hand
You kissed my wounds
You loved me …
You need me
I watch helplessly
What can I do?
Why are we here?
Where is my comfort now?
You were always the one to tell me it’s ok
Now … It’s my turn
What do I say?
How can I help?
You were there
You welcomed me home
You kissed me goodbye
You worried over me
You bestowed my wings on me
You taught me to love …
I … I don’t know what to do
Except to love you …